It takes pressu…

It takes pressure to make a diamond

GOD is not mad at you

I am driving the long two hour drive from the Dr.’s office to the “hearth” where I am staying, reflecting on the news that I have a bruised spine and Ulcerated Colitis, the economy of  the world, the weather freezing much of the country with an “Arctic vortex”  and the death of yet another innocent child in a school shooting and as tears are forming in my weary eyes a Jeep pulls in front of me and stops. On the back window in letters that shimmer I see the words “GOD IS NOT MAD AT YOU.” What? I look closer unsure I am seeing clearly the truth “GOD IS NOT MAD AT YOU.” I sit in my black car with my lack of understanding wrapping me in shadowed angst and the sun has passed my by as the clouds cover the glory and the light changes and the Jeep goes flying off. I want to chase it to see who is driving that grey jeep and call out “Hey did GOD tell you I was here. wrestling with his goodness?” All 90 pounds of bewildered? 

If GOD is not mad at me, the hurting, clouded spirit of me, masked in all the layers of “why?” then how do I let go of my need to understand? How does evil and acts of unkindness and betrayal become grace?

When I chase the jeep I see that behind the wheel is a girl, all “tatts and black hair dye” with the window down on a cold and dreary winters day and she is smiling. She turns her head to catch the light and I am raised up in my seat wanting to ask “How do you know GOD is not mad?” This tattoed speaker with the gospel bumper sticker hits the pedal to the metal and is gone from my sight in record time. I turn slowly for hearth, a band aid  of the message covering my broken heart, knowing that somehow, someway I was just led to GOD’s heart for me. Me, this wandering “why” sojourner wrestling with his will? In that moment his touch cracks open the shadowed wandering and releases me, who is begging for his touch, to have a tiny restoring moment of grace.

The sun breaks through the clouds and light places a tender touch of love upon my cheek.

In that moment

I know

I head South carried for a time upon which God will gently set me down and I will continue to stumble in the dark night of my soul towards truth revealed one lesson at a time.

 

A still small voice speaks

Yesterday I was driving and having a good cry about my brother who recently passed away. His being gone has left a large hole that used to sound and look like my brother. A few months beyond his departure I think of him alot and was hurting because truth be known I wasn’t sure where he went to and I want to see him again. I was praying to the GOD of my understanding The Father, Son and Holy ghost and I was sharing with God that I really needed to know if my brother was with him. Because I believe in heaven and in hell I couldn’t bear the Hell part of that equation. My brother had enough hell while he was on this earth and I so needed to know that he was in the arms of love. Five years prior to his passing he lay in a drug induced coma with a ventilator breathing for him and I stood next to his bed and read the bible to him and pressed and beat on the doors of heaven and begged God to keep my brother here on this earth until he was a believer in the Trinity. When my brother died in hospice I had not seen him for months. The last time I saw him he was not himself and his words and his actions made me question his belief in the afterlife. It troubled me and I was pressing once again to GOD for answers.
In his mercy and his sweet grace I heard a still small voice speak “He is with me.”
Words that brought me to that day in the ICU five years before “please he’s not ready, he doesn’t know you GOD”
A sisters cry of agony and pain answered twice by a loving, gracious and tender Savior who promises that if we just confess our sins and ask Jesus to come into our hearts as our Lord and Savior he will be with you. Forever and always, in sickness and in health till death and the grave shared by all will become wings to fly away. To fly into the arms of love, the same arms that spread across a cross and laid down his life, so that a sister and a brother can be united once again because a still voice cried out from the cross “It is finished.”

Just a picture

http://www.drlynnandtheorphans.com

For the love of a child

River High and me

I am a moody girl. It has been said that I was born moody. I think maybe the word should be special as in wow you sure have alot happen to you! Or wow, you never seem to get a break! Or wow, your not very NORMAL are you? NOPE! Never have been, never want to be. I know somehow GOD made me strong and able to suffer ALOT and still care about my fellow man. I sometimes imagine how it must be to have your health. I have been chronically ill for over 33 years. Yea, that’s a long time to feel like crap. In my nights of pain I write songs and those songs have helped me to help orphans to have fresh water and food.
16 water wells and feeding 4000 kids. Not bad I guess. GOD using the pain to bring life.
Since it’s all I have known it is all that I have to give.
If you want to listen to one of the songs that have been used to bring life here is one.
River High
The lyrics go like this:
Morning sky welcome me in and I will find my peace again. The night was stormy, the river high and I found it hard to try.
But here you are light in the darkness, here you are my shelter and friend, wish to hide inside your love and find my strength again.
I run to the river, I sing halleluiah, I cried for your mercy in the middle of the storm
I run to the river, I sing halleluiah, I cry for your mercy in the middle of the storm.

There’s more words but you’ll have to listen to hear them.

I need to breathe

It’s sweltering today as I am bent over into the garden. There are weeds everywhere choking out the flowers. I inhale the scents of spring that surround me and I try to remember the last time life was kind. It has been a long, cruel winter. It has been a life that screams liar. No one can live through all of that!!! Herein lies the rub. You can live through hell, repeatedly and without breaks and you can be transfigured in the spirit of something called grace. Grace that carried itself to a cross and hung there. Grace that defy’s all understanding. Mysterious, holy grace. I can believe in it and I can pray for it and I can cry to it and I can rage at it. I can know it to be true somewhere besides my feelings. It will wait for me while I squirm and wallow and dig myself deeper into the mud. It transfigures the dark and tears open the curtain to let in the light. I have only one desire and that is to stop suffering. Yet in writing that I know that suffering is the highest form of grace. Choosing to bear the cross to overcome the suffering of mankind. Bent, but not broken.
My pain, my darkened room of suffering might in fact be my coming along side the love that transcends all. Without it I might never taste his nectar on my tongue. I might never smell his scent in my darkened room which will be the reason to arise and try again. GOD will take all of it and make it new. I can’t sit too long with that while I suffer but somehow I know it’s true. I will remember to breathe while I wait. Like a woman in labor waiting for the gift. “Breathe comes the cry”
The breath must not be held.

When GOD removes the Mountain

For me memories are mountains. Mountains of “what if’s” and mountains of “They hurt me” and mountains of “unfair!” Trusting God when we don’t understand is one of the largest mountains I have ever tried to climb. In fact up until today I have never reached the summit of this mountain. Oh I have skirted under the top and hung upside down while on “belay” a term for waiting on the rope while trying to figure out how to get up or down the sheer cliff that has left you breathless with knees knocking. I have prayed about the mountain and studied the mountain and I have been severely and repeatedly tested on the mountain. I have in my course called Life learned a few lessons about mountains and they can be summed up into one sentence. “You don’t (I don’t) none of us has the right to know everything about the mountain.”
There, I said it! We (me) the control freak of our lives wants to see every handhold and every crevice to the top. To not see the safety harness while dangling from the cliff is unacceptable! (Did you hear me up there?)
In life we want to know every motive and thought that comes contrary to our ways. Why is this happening? Why did I lose that job? Why Me? Why was I diagnosed with this horrible disease? Why can’t I be understood? Why do they not get it? Why did he cheat on me? Why did they leave me? Why can’t I get ahead? Why do they have it all? Why was I born to this life of pain? The more we analyse and “feel” our emotions the deeper into depression and bitterness we get. The mountain becomes something that will kill us if we continue to try to defeat it in our own strength. The storms and the sheer expanse of impassable terrain will defeat the strongest among us. So where do we go when the mountain won’t move? God says in JOB 9:5 God who removes the Mountains, who shakes the earth out-of-place Who does great things past finding out. In other words GOD knows and we don’t and if we have to know all the time we will never have peace. We have to determine (decide) to be content while GOD is working things out. We can’t be satisfied until we trust GOD, until we make the choice to enjoy ourselves with our days as they are, not as we wish them to be. It’s ok to have a dream, but don’t live there! LIVE where you are now! This is the day you have been given. GOD says to rejoice and be glad in it! GOD is GOD and I am…..not.
So perhaps if we stop squirming and start stretching our faith we might be able to climb higher. If we stop looking at the mountain and look at GOD. Be thankful in all of your life and stop thinking more highly of yourself than you do other people. Stop comparing yourself to others! Make peace with yourself and keep your eyes on GOD. Who knows? GOD may have just removed that mountain while we looked out around us.Perhaps the mountain was us. It was removed not by physicality, but by the change of heart inside of us. Sometimes we really do make “Mountains out of mole hills!” Sometimes we stare so long at the problems and the pain that we forget to Let GOD be GOD Remember that GOD? The one who is so much more than we can ever comprehend?

I don’t know about you but I am NOT going to spend one more day ruined by my NOT understanding. It’s the choice to live each day. To trust in this ALMIGHTY GOD to take care of me so I can open my eyes up there on this mountain top and enjoy the view.

How to make a perfect life

First of all understand that nothing and no one is perfect (except for Jesus Christ but that is for another time)
Two: count your blessings…..gratitude doesn’t leave much room for selfish moaning
Three: Look for beauty around you…the world is full of beauty in every situation if you have eyes to see
Four: Breathe deeply and be thankful
Five: Look for ways to help another, to give and reach out and help is the best way to feel filled with the “Divine”
Six: Move your body and feel the energy return to your days
Seven: Sleep and nap and be thankful for a bed
Eight: Eat to live, don’t live to eat.
Nine: Hug your friends and your dog or your cat (if they let you) and your mate and your kids…alot….
Ten: Save your money for something wonderful
Eleven: When your close to having enough money then give it away…honestly
Twelve: Take a cause in the world and make it personal.
Thirteen: Hold your temper, keep your council, give grace whenever possible
Fourteen: Forgive all (That doesn’t mean what they did is ok, it only means that peace in your heart and soul are more important then feelings of rage and revenge) It only hurts you so let it go. BTW that includes you too
Fifteen:Accept things as they are..don’t be always striving for more and for better. Sometimes acceptance makes room for alot more where as striving keeps things from you.

What exactly brings joy

I am cleaning up our kitchen on our farm. From the window I can see the chickens scratching at the still frozen and snow covered ground. I know they have the option of being in their heated coop so I smile as I understand their need to be out of doors. I feel it too. After a long winter of layering and hats and scarves to cover my face and mittens upon my hands I long to throw off the layers of challenge and walk across the field that will be alive with wild flowers. I can’t wait to turn my face to the blue skies and feel the gentle sun tenderly caressing my cheek. I will look with awe at the birds that are feeding and drinking at the spaces around the farm that are filled with seed and water. I can hear them singing their beautiful songs to the morning around them. In that moment I will know exactly what brings me joy. It is gratitude for the house we call home. It is gratitude that I have eyes to see and ears to hear and senses of thankfulness at the ease of the morning. It is a small farm alive with the bees and the birds and the chickens and the bunnies and the horses and the plants. A feast of bounty if I have the heart to stop and see it all. To take in the gifts that are raised in offering of thanks for caretaking the land.
But what about this week of cold and bitter winds? What exactly brings me joy in this long continual winter?
I take a deep breath and remember that peace is possible. I am thankful that I (Like the chickens) have a heated “coop” in which to dwell. I am thankful that I can hear my husband making breakfast in the kitchen and the laundry is going in the washing machine. Though I would prefer to hang my clothes on a line in the spring I have the option of drying with lavender oil and laying in fresh sheets tonight. I can be thankful and find joy in the moment of play with my lovely dog and the feel of bath salts in a steaming claw foot tub. I am so thankful for the water and for the ease of the morning in the middle of yet another blizzard.
What exactly brings me joy? The knowledge that I can chose to see all the gifts and blessings and be thankful and bring grace and gratitude to the day.
God willing I will soon see the flowers in the field and feel the sun again. Until then I will breathe and stretch and remember the goodness.

Organic girl ( a woman in a junk food world finds peace with a rice cake)

I could begin by saying that I used to be a BIG, adventurous eater. I ate foods from greasy diners and Mexico was my home away from home and I lived and played amongst Desebuqui Indians who ate dogs. (Got ya! No I didn’t eat the poor things, I played the pied piper with fish and lured them all out of the village but that’s another story) I ate in Germany and drank so much beer once I swashed when I walked. (Maybe I swooshed…anyway I sang “Singing in the rain” while I waddled with pain) I ate shrimp and lobster and okra (Yuck) and duck and cornish hens and so many kinds of corn I popped.  I never weighed a pound over 100 until I went to college and lived in a dorm and I feasted on anemic lettuce and cake by the pound. From double fisting M&M’s and corn nuts to omelets with cheese I grazed my way through life without a thought as to what went into my mouth. Food was glorious and I was molded and shaped by my dancing and the gym and the pool. Then in the summer of my  24th year of life I was blissfully minding my own business and was literally doused with a pesticide that was being applied by workers in white protective suits as they sprayed a large tree on the other side of a hill I happen to be riding on. In my bare legs and my open mouth I took a full hit of the poisons and my world shifted into a lifelong fight with my beautiful body. Overnight I lost all ability to eat normally. I was hospitalized for almost a year. I entered into this bizarre world of “poison” and the healthy, strong eater became an 80 pound emaciated girl. But I am a fighter and out of the ashes of this horrendous lesson I began to emerge a stronger spirit. Out of the poisoning came “Organic girl!” This shift in my life changed completely the terraine of my eating. I found a place I call the garden of happy endings. When your so sick you can’t swallow you have to find other means of supporting life. Enter the world of liquid proteins. I drank shakes with organic berries and whey proteins and I ate huge sweet potaotes right out of the garden. My world narrowed to greens and drinks and dried, organic fruits and raw nuts. I learned about tofu (which at first made me wrinkle my nose) but now is one of my favorite dishes, scrambled with vegetables and sea salt. I am no longer a BIG fan of eating. I became an eat to live girl, not a live to eat girl that I once was. My idea of a big date with food is a rice cake with butter or organic cheese. (I know right?) I am known once in the summer to eat so much organic vanilla ice cream that I am up for a day with the sugar and ride my beautiful beach bike and sing at the top of my lungs because my body is so damn happy to have some ice cream on a summers day. If I did that more than a few times I would become an instant diabetic…(my sugars have not been stable since the poisoning) So it is a treat. I share all of this because the world is food obsessed.I once had a man whom I had been dating say he could never marry me because his family was all about the food…Yea ok, I realize now that he was not the one for me (did I mention he gave me a tire for my birthday?) but the fundamental issue was his food obsessed world did not match mine.
I am obsessed with problems of global warming and Monsanto being given so much power over our food supplies. Our beautiful ecosystem is failing with the GMO seeds and foods that Monsanto and our goverment are in greedy beds together, peddling to consumers the death of GOD given food production. When you inject a seed with a pesticide you will kill much of the fragile ecosystem called “Life”.Our precious honey bees and the birds that bring so much joy in song are dying at alarming rates. So I am searching once again for the answer to the problem of foods that will heal, not hurt us. I am back in the garden. You know the garden of happy endings, where “organic girl” lives. I realized that you can garden and grow your own beautiful healthy food in pots on your deck, or acres on your farm, or rows in your green house. I am learning the art of composting and the natural way to kill a bug. It’s cool because I think it’s the answer to life, to keep things simple and not use the cancer causing chemicals to do the lazy garden ways. Nope, give me a morning on my knees, pulling out weeds and watching beautiful, tiny villages of creatures and bugs (ladybugs and praying mantis and butterflies to name a few) do what they have done for thousands of years, control the population of bad bugs and pollinate flowers and dance with bees who will bring their hard work back to their hive and make Gods nectar “honey.” It’s a simple and beautiful dance and it keeps me happy and healthier than I could ever be eating the easy American, fast food way. So as the garden slowly beckons me again I share my thoughts of making peace with a junk obsessed world and I suggest you keep it simple. Eat to live,eat to nourish and to heal. Find your spirit grow light and find your garden of happy endings. Plant to nourish the bees and give them a chance to survive by NEVER spraying a chemical in your yard. Think about affirming life and being a guardian of the gardens of grace. You’ll be amazed at the joy when you see the bees dance. It’s remarkable really.